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I'm Sick, You're Tired
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16th-Nov-2010 06:15 am - Sometimes I still need you.
AFI dare to live
Morning smells like wet grass and sand and trees. It must be a smell found only in Santa Cruz.
I love the sunrise. I love it so much I've been looking at it for the past three mornings. With no help from outside forces, I am going on day three of no sleep. The last time I actually slept was Saturday night. Maybe if I stay up long enough, I can have conversations with God with my eyes open.
13th-Nov-2010 03:09 pm - Closer
AFI dare to live
come closer.
come into this. come closer.

you are quite the beauty. if no one has ever told you that before know that
now. you are quite the beauty. there is joy in how your mouth dances with
your teeth. your mouth is a sign of how sacred your life truly is. come into
this. true of heart come into this. you are true of heart. come closer. come
closer. know that whatever God prays to He asked it to help Him make
something of worth. He woke from His dreams scraped the soil form the spaces
inside Himself made you and was happy. you make the Lord happy.
come into this.
come closer.

know that something softer than us but just as holy planted the pieces of
Himself into our feet that we might one day find our way back to Him. you
are almost home.

come closer come into this. there are birds beating their wings beneath your
breastplate gentle sparrows aching to sing come aching hearts come soldiers
of joy doormen of truth come true of heart come into this.

my heart was too big for my body so I let it go and most days this world has
thinned me  to where I am just another cloud forgetting another flock of
swans but believe me when I tell you my soul has squeezed into narrow
spaces. place your hand beneath your head when you sleep tonight and you may
find it there making beauty as we sleep as we dream as we turn over when I
turn over in the ground may the ghosts that I have asked answers of do the
turning kneading me into crumbs of light and into this thing love thing
called life. come into it!

come you wooden museums
you gentle tigers
negro farces in two broken scenes.
come rusting giants!

I see teacups in your smiles upside down glowing. your hands are like my
heart. on some days how it trembles. let us hold them together. I am like
you. I too at times am filled with fear. but like a hallway must find the
strength to walk through it. walk through this with me. walk through this
with me. through this church birthed of blood and muscle where every move
our arms take every breath we swallow is worship.

bend with me. there are bones in our throats. if we choke it is only on
14th-Apr-2010 01:16 am - FML
AFI dare to live
I'm becoming bald. If this becomes obvious, I will kill myself.
15th-Mar-2010 06:15 am - You know I'm in deep shit when...
AFI dare to live
It's 6:11 am on Monday morning and I'm working on a final that's due in...9 hours. I have 6 pages to go and I'm running solely on grape-flavored 5-hour energy.

Oh how I will miss college.

On another note written for the sake of procrastination, I saw the new Robert Pattinson movie "Remember Me" and despite being REALLY unsure of it - I was thinking it was going to be one of those poorly mad sap fests - I love the movie. I left the theater crying so hard I found it hard to drive. Go see it. Bring tissues.

10th-Mar-2010 11:20 pm - WOOT
AFI dare to live
2nd-Oct-2009 01:45 am
AFI dare to live
Okay, I'm going to lay it out flat.

I have two pet peeves that really bother me.

1. Saying something you think will interest me/ I might want to know and then saying "never mind" or whatever. It doesn't do what people want it to do. It just makes me annoyed at you and not care about what you were going to say. Its immature, stupid, and rude. I don't like playing power games (outside of the bedroom of course). I try really hard not to.

2. Complaining that I don't spend enough time with you/ that I don't like you  because if I'm hanging out with you, I like you. Most people will notice I'm very good at not being around those I don't like. I also don't  like it when people say negative things about themselves during situations where people will most likely contradict that negative comment.  I'm your friend, I like you for who you are. I'm not going to be sitting around thinking how ugly you are or whatever it is you think. I believe all my friends are beautiful. I am biased, so maybe you're right. But 

So stop it. The only thing you will accomplish is a diminished friendship. My answer to these behaviors is to ignore it. I WILL ignore you. Beware.
27th-Sep-2009 03:36 pm - Everything is going with the beat.
AFI dare to live
And you said
It was like fire around the brim
Burning solid
Burning thin the burning rim
Like stars burning holes right through the dark
Flicking fire like saltwater into my eyes
You were one inch from the edge of this bed
I drag you back a sleepyhead, sleepyhead

They couldn't think of something to say the day you burst
With all their lions and all their might and all their thirst
They crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin
Against the walls against your rules against your skin
My beard grew down to the floor and out through the doors
Of your eyes but go in disguise like a sleepyhead, sleepyhead

There are those songs that I can listen to for infinite. This is one of those songs...

Sleepyhead Neo Tokyo remix. Do it, you know you want to.
6th-Aug-2009 06:48 pm - This is Amy's Broken Heart
AFI dare to live
I was filling out paperwork for a new doctor and there was a section that asked about the condition of my nervous system and if I had experienced certain issues in the past three months.

When I came across depression I circled yes. My mom, who had been watching what I wrote down to get all the dirt on my life, said: "Oh, that says the last three months, you don't need to circle that."

And this is part of the reason why home isn't home anymore.

So when I tell her "why yes I do" and she asks why, I don't feel surprised. Because I've been teaching myself to accept my relationship with my mother is a dying one. Sometimes, like right now, it makes me angry, but most times, it makes me tired.

Once more, I reduce myself to one word, of which has been used frequently. I am tired.

And because of this, I do not know what to do with myself.
1st-Aug-2009 03:14 am
AFI dare to live
I wish I could fix myself so that I could be a better person. Sorry.
8th-Jun-2009 12:09 am - Music is at the Soul of Everything
AFI dare to live
Have you ever heard a song on the radio and know instantly it meant something important to you. 
You don't even know the lyrics (you have to look them up when you get home), you just know the song reaches your bones.
That's how I feel about the song Daniel by Bat for Lashes.
Daniel when I first saw you
I knew that you had a flame in your heart
And under under our blue skies
Marble movie skies
I found a home in your eyes
We'll never be apart

And when the fires came
The smell of cinders and rain
Perfumed almost everything
We laughed and laughed and laughed
And in the golden blue
Cryin' took me to the darkest place
And you have set fire to my heart

When I run in the dark, Daniel
To a place that's worst ?
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
I dream of home

But in a goodbye bed
With my arms around your neck
Into our love the tears crept
Just catch in the eye of the storm
And as my heart ran round
My dreams pulled me from the ground
Forever to search for the flame
For home again
For home again

When I run in the dark, Daniel
To a place that's worst?
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
I dream of home

When I run in the dark, Daniel
To a place that's worst
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
I dream of home

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